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Reply #17: Depends on whether they are both your friends, or just one is your friend. [View All]

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jobycom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Nov-21-11 04:31 PM
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17. Depends on whether they are both your friends, or just one is your friend.
I've been on the wrong end of that equation, where everyone knew about my spouse but me. When I found out, I didn't blame anyone for not telling me, although I did like some of them less. I do blame one guy who I think encouraged it. Usually in a situation like that the cheated spouse realizes why no one told them, but you'd know your friend better than any of us.

Basically, if he's your best friend, tell him. If he's not, don't. You have no idea what it could set off--including a violent encounter.

I can't tell from your post whether she knows you know. If she doesn't, and you're close enough to get involved, tell her you know. This will make her hide it better, or maybe end it (though if it's long term, she won't), or maybe come to whatever decision she needs to make about her marriage.

If you don't know her well enough, leave a note--hand it to her directly when he's not around, don't do it anonymously. Better to tell her, though. Don't make it confrontational--just let her know it's obvious. You can even be real subtle and make it sound like a passing comment. "How's (X), anyway?" if said properly is enough to let her know you know, and pretty much convey everything you want her to know, since she's already worried someone will find out. If you or she aren't that subtle, or if you really want an answer to know why she's doing it, make it more direct. Call her for lunch, tell her you need to talk to her. If you aren't going to tell him, tell her that right away so she won't think you're blackmailing her, and so she won't respond out of fear that you will--she'll be able to handle it better, in other words.

If you are going to tell him, tell her you are going to, and when, so she can handle it herself if she wants. There's no need to have her come home to an ambush, even if it's an emotional ambush. Bad things happen when that happens. Keep in mind that no matter how well you know your friends, this is the exact situation that leads to murders, suicides, assaults, and the like. I had a close friend kill herself when she found out her husband was cheating. I had another friend beaten almost to death (and I mean that quite literally--she was moments from death) because her husband thought she was cheating (with me, and she wasn't). Even good people can react badly in that situation. It hurts like nothing else--I've had close friends die, and it didn't hurt as badly.

What I'm saying is, there's no one answer. You don't know what's really happening in their marriage. And of course we don't know anything about them at all. Take it all into account. But unless he's your best friend (and she's not), don't tell him. Tell her, or let it play itself out. Yeah, you'll live with a queasy, guilty feeling, but it would be worse if something worse happened.

One more caveat: if by "something happened this weekend" you mean something like "she was with this other man at a party and was all over him and not even hiding that they were sleeping together," then tell him. If it's that blatant, she's playing him for the fool as well as cheating on him, and he'll find out, and he'll feel even worse that no one told him.

Just my thoughts. For your consideration only, and reject any that don't apply. I'm giving this advice as someone who has been where he is. I've never been on your end of the deal, though.

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