Loss and gain

[TayTay]

Ok, I admit it, I have been somewhat schizophrenic on this site lately. Cards on the table, this is why.

I still have not been able to find a permanent job. I had a couple of very short term contracts in the last 2 years, but nothing of substance and nothing that relieves the stress and gloom and worry of being unemployed. This has taken a severe toll on me and my family, as it does on everyone else in this predicament. I have good days and not-so-good days. Lately, the latter has been in the ascendancy.

There are battles we all have within. Sometimes they are over illness, or concern for family members or finances or any of the other multiple afflications that flesh is heir to. Mine right now is financial. It has been going on for a long-time. It is worse at this time of year.

This will be the third Christmas in a row that I can't really have a Christmas. (Damn, I love Christmas too. This kind of sucks.) It's not about buying material goods, it's about a respite and being able to celebrate a season of light with something like light in the heart. That feeling of renewal and family and peace just ain't there this time around and I miss it.

Unemployment is hard on people in a lot of different ways. I have had to borrow money from relatives. Doing this once or twice is hard enough, having to do it more than that is utterly demoralizing and depressing. I am blessed with a warm and loving family. They have been amazing, yet, I still feel like a whore when I have to call someone up again and tell them that we can't pay the bills this month, again. Please, please, please can I borrow a few bucks. Just to tide me over until I "get something." (I don't know when. At least I am getting call backs now for interviews, but cos don't hire in Dec.)

Sometimes, the biggest victory of the day comes when you actually get out of bed in the morning. There are days when I just don't want to engage the day from fear of what else will go wrong. That is just the way this cycle goes right now. There are good days and bad days. You fight the bad days. I try to think of 5 positive things I can do everyday, but I don't always make it. Sometimes I just want don't want to hope any more, it hurts too much.

I am not the only person who feels this way. There are legions of the damaged out there right now. We are doing the best we can, trying to hold on and find something to be hopeful about. It's day by day. So are the moods and the ability to climb the ladder and express some sort of hope and optimism in writing. I do it better on some days than others.

Anyway, I have been hit or miss on this site for a while. This is why.