Advance copy of Bush's speech.

[will work 4 food]

Prez Bush:

"My fellow Americans;
O.K. What can I say? You caught me in a lie.
I confess: I invaded Iraq for the oil. That was it. Oil. But now I can't figure out how to get it back to Crawford, Texas and claim it as my own.
I'm sorry. As of tomorrow, I intend to inform congress of our official surrender to the Baath party, and withdraw from Iraq."

"We can't find Osama bin Laden. Osama is smarter than the entirety of the U.S. military forces, and has easily outclassed our best intelligence gathering efforts. As of tomorrow, I will send Colin Powell to beg the French to take over in Afghanistan. I didn't realize that the U.S. military would be so inept under Donald Rumsfield. If I had known that appointing Rumsfield would cause every general, every officer, and every troop to become so stupid as to not be able to find one guy, I'd have never appointed him. So, as of tomorrow, Rumsfield and Wolfowitz are fired. I'll be replacing them with Janet Reno and Lon Horuichi. They know how to find and kill people!"

"I regret having personally caused millions to become unemployed. You see, half of you sorry bastards didn't vote for me, so I don't really like you anyway. So I had you laid off. I admit it was childish, but, well, fuck you."

"By the way, I know it's "nuclear", not nucular. I used to pronounce it that way just to make you dipshits who think you're smarter than me happy.
Well, piss on ya.
I'm the first guy in over 100 years to get re-elected as Governer of Texas. I'm currently the President of the United States. I graduated from Yale. I'm a Gazillionaire. Not bad for a "stuttering idiot", eh? So stick that up your ass and see if it goes "nucular"."

"Yes, we are facing a hugh federal deficit. Actually, you idiots are facing a hugh federal deficit. I'm a gazillionaire.
I fucked things up to win a $50 bet with Dad. I poked a little fun at him about "read my lips, no new taxes". He said I would'nt have the balls to cut your taxes, have America attacked on 9-11-01, start a series of wars, give Africa billions for AIDS, and then still not back down on the tax cuts. So, the treasury is empty. But, hey! Dad owes me fifty bucks!"

"As you may now realize, I personally have the power to make this nation's economy shrink or grow. Whether or not anyone, anywhere has a job is purely at my whim. The peoples of all the world's nations will either love us or hate us, just at my say-so. I personally tell every gas station in America, daily, how much to charge for a gallon of gas.
So you dumbfucks had better let me and Dick get even richer drilling for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge or I swear to god you sons-of-bitches will regret it."

"And speaking of God, in case you didn't know it, the purpose of the Patriot Act is to force protestantism. We are going to use the new super powers like seeing through walls and hearing every whisper and reading your thoughts (given to us by the Patriot Act) to wipe out all of you non-protestant "evildoers". Well, 'cept for maybe a few Jews. As of tomorrow, I'll be upgrading John Ashcroft's position to 'Holy Attorney General, God's Vicar on Earth, Savior of the Realm'."

"Goodnight, and God bless America."
:yourock:

[Clete]

1. ROFLMAO

Perfect. Wouldn't it be great if he lost it in front of the microphone, maybe from the Jack Daniels in his coffee cup, and really said something like that. Oh that would be great, almost as good as the "I am not a crook" speech where Nixon lost it on coast to coast TV.

[Mistress Quickly]

2. lol

Like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. :silly:

[liberalhistorian]

3. I think the spoiled rich kid is getting to the point

where it isn't going to take much for him to finally lose it in public, in front of cameras and microphones. He allegedly pitched a fit after a Labor Day speech to a union, in my little corner of Ohio, after his motorcade drove right past hundreds of chanting, sign-carrying protesters; he's usually shielded from the very sight of protesters, but that couldn't be arranged this time. Supposedly, he had a little fit and threw his union jacket down! I really think he's starting to crack!

[Clete]

4. My husband said today

that because of his temper tantrums, they must only let him watch Faux News in the White House, so that he only hears what he wants to hear. Other than that, he can't figure out why he's so clueless.

[welshTerrier2]

5. Beautiful

and welcome to DU !!!

if we had more DU'ers like you, we'd have more DU'ers like you ...

great satire ... keep up the good work ...

[loudnclear]

6. Your closing should be:

God bless America...and nobody else.

[opihimoimoi]

7. I luv it

sending fish and poi along with many Hula Dancers

:bounce:

[oldcoot]

8. I love it

Imagine how the media whores would spin such as speech. They would praise him for being honest.

[roguevalley]

9. snicker.

this is why I love watching television with the sound down.
I love to put the words in their mouths. :)