We're getting married and

[Habibi]

Bah, humbug. I can't even tolerate the "unconventional wedding" sites online to plan my unconventional wedding. What's a middle-aged getting-married-for-the-first-time feminist ex-lesbian supposed to do? Is Vegas in my future?

(Yes, I've looked at IndieBride. It's awful.)

I want a nonreligious ceremony (try finding an officiant in NY!) and a biiiiig party in the backyard. But: you still need to send out invitations, you still need to pick out people to "stand up" witchu, you still need a caterer (or is it really tacky to have a potluck?), you still need to figure out how much booze to buy, and you still need to decide on attire. And you're still on a budget. Bloody hell. No wonder people skip this. What a pain in the ass.

If you've got ideas, I am, to quote Perot, all ears.

[KissMyAsscroft]

1. Skip the marriage...

Why even marry? Just have a party, skip the marriage.

My 2cents.

[Habibi]

10. I'm not sure

why getting married is important. I understand your question, but for some reason I can't articulate at this juncture, I just want to. Maybe because I *can*.

[SoCalDem]

2. My son and his wife got married last summer

They had their wedding at a botanical garden (pricey, but very pretty) and a catered reception (expensive, but tasty)..

They were married by a judge.

Just start asking around.. You can design your own invitations in publisher and have a local print shop make them for you for a lot less than the "glitzy" ones..

(Hell..I could design it for you for free)..

Vegas weddings at the hotels are nice but they usually start at $500 plus..

Call your courthouse and ask if any of the judges perform wedding ceremonies.. You could have the wedding in a pretty park or someone's yard..

If you take control, you can have it anyway you want and not spend a fortune..

A lot of the things people think they must have, are not even necessary.. (the fancy table decorations for example).. People come to spend the time with you ..not to admire the foliage :)

Congrats :)

[SoCalDem]

3. Assuming that you will be inviting friends and family,

a potluck is NOT out of the question.. Or find some really good cooks and have them prepare the food for you ..

The liquor will be the biggest expense if you invite drinkers :)

[Habibi]

5. Thanks

Can you ask a judge to your place to conduct a wedding? That'd be cool.

I've got a future husband who really doesn't seem interested in the details. I don't blame him, but if we're going to include the people who are important to us, it seems we need to do a few things in the traditional manner.

I'm pretty torn, myself. I'd just as soon go down to the courthouse and get it over with, but then his folks and mine (including my best friend)would be disappointed, and anyway, isn't declaring your devotion in front of the community part of what it's all about?

[SoCalDem]

7. The judge who married our kids, came to the botanical garden

I don't know what they paid her, but the ceremony only took a few minutes, and the judge left shortly after..

I found an article a while back about the wedding cake too.. They just had small cakes at the tables, and decorating supplies, and the guests got to decorate them themselves. It sounded like a lot of fun, and way cheaper than spending a fortune on a wedding cake,.. You could still have a smal;lish one for the pictures, but it would be way cheaper..

PICTURES.. yikes.. Get some friend with good digital cameras, and save yourself some dough.. The pictures that the professional took of their wedding were no better than the ones that we took and the ones that the guests took with the disposable cameras they put on the tables..:)

[Habibi]

11. Okay, neat

I didn't realize you could do that. I'll call the courthouse and get some info.

As for pics, I like the idea of disposable cameras--I would love to see what my friends see during the day. (My future spouse is a photography hobbyist and I wouldn't want him to have to spend the day taking pics!)

[ewagner]

29. We attended the wedding

of our neighbor's daughter.

They put disposable cameras at every place setting. Guests were encouraged to take pictures and to have doubles mad when they were developed. They requested a set of the pictures. It was great. There were about 100 people at the reception and they received hundreds of pics, some of which were really good.

[mitchtv]

4. I'd say 'no' to potluck

spring for a caterer- get a cake and some 1/2 decent CA champagne. A decent dress (pastel), or suit that you can use again. Stick with flowers in season- enjoy

[Habibi]

8. Yeah

in spite of it being "unconventional" it still is a special occasion, so I agree, we need to fork over some money. I think I'm comfortable with that--we have a great BBQ joint in town (Dinosaur, for you upstate NYers), whom we'll prolly go with. That's pretty much the only real decision we've made, though!

I haven't mentioned a cake yet to Future Husband. I think he's going to freak out. Still, a Cake seems Necessary.

[July]

24. Cake isn't required

Do you want to have the cake-cutting moment?

My sister didn't want to do that, so she had a table of five smaller wedding-cake-style cakes, all in different flavors and icings. They were sliced and served as dessert by the wait staff at the hotel her reception was held in.

You could also go with ice cream cake, petits fours, chocolate truffles . . . you get the idea, whatever you like.

[roguevalley]

6. Do this:

Get someone you love to marry you. MOst states let people
have permits to marry someone for that day only. my nephew
asked my mother, his grandma, to marry him this july. SNIFFLE!
so sweet. :)

Have your wedding cake be crispy creme donuts. They make
beautiful 'wedding cakes' for weddings. Cupcakes on a frame
make a great nontraditional wedding cake.

Have a dozen or so finger foods and delegate your family or
friends to make one kind each. Or get a caterer to do it for
a set fee. Finger foods and cupcakes/donuts. Truly original. :)

Potlucks: Wonderful. You can eat yourself silly afterward.

Clothes: Have EVERYONE dress in white. If the weather is good
wear a white sun dress and a pretty broach. Go barefooted. :)
Have the boys wear black slacks and hawaiian shirts. Or, have
them wear nice shirts that hang outside the pants that are
really colorful. Nice contrast to all the women wearing white
dresses. Make it a summery affair if the weather is good.

Ask your best friend/sister to be maid/matron of honor, a couple
of girls to be maids and match them with your beau's friends.
If you keep it simple, it will be good.

Have people throw bird seed when you leave. The birds will
thank you for it and it will be environmentally friendly. Put
it in little mesh squares and tie with ribbons. Put them in
a basket by the door.

A simple drawing book and nice pen will be a good sign in thing.

Have the booze you want. Also, have a mix of fruit punch, 7-up and
ice cream in a big bowl. Drop some pineapple chunks in. Winner. :)

Dining, drinks, pretty shirts and white dresses, make yours special
with a veil. Also, have a spray of your favorite flowers for your
bouquet and a pretty necklace.

Play your favorite canned music and oila! A memorable and highly
personalized wedding you won't forget.

Hugs and congratulations, honey.

RV, who also recommends that if you go to a craft store and buy pretty paper, a few cut outs and print the invites yourself, you can make something very, very pretty. Go on line to the scrapbooking places and you'll see good things or google homemade invitation sites.

[Habibi]

9. Wow!

Those are great ideas, no sh*t! Say, do you have a bidness doing this? You should! :)

[cap]

12. figure out a theme and go with it...

what is getting married all about to you? what features do you want to celebrate? what's special about the person you're marrying?

I am getting married soon -- Catholic church -- so a lot of the actual ceremony is fixed for me. But I still have to pick songs and readings. You will have to do the same. You might want to consider the Unitarian Church -- they'll do anything. They even have pagans in the church. But if you want no church at all, you still will want a theme. You could have the ceremony in your backyard -- or just skip it and go to the Justice of the Peace and then have the party.

I took the wedding checklist at Theknot and cut it down drastically.

I wanted a dress (went to a consignment store and got a couture dress -- dresses are a pain these days -- they are all strapless. Something that doesn't look good on me at all. So I went to a consignment store and bought something with sleeves in it from last year. If you aren't going strapless, look at consignment stores. You won't find hardly anything that isnt strapless in the bridal shops. Consider vintage. These dresses have sleeves. I look truly horrible in strapless.) spent a bit on the veil/tiara (actually headband). Shoes were a pain in the neck for me -- my size isnt a standard size. Am looking for something sexy for the wedding night -- my flannel pjs just wont cut it.

Decided against a wedding party -- too much trouble. So just me, hubby, future mother-in-law (all other parents are dead) and cousin (as master of ceremonies). That knocked out the aggravation of coordinating everyone else including a very recalcitant brother in law. I am keeping it small -- 20 people. A biiiiig party means more work. But if that's important to you (see first line of post), go for it --- although you've just increased your work exponentially.

Am going with a caterer -- there is a really good French chef that I have been taking cooking classes with. Good food is important to me. A friend of mine had a pig roast in his backyard. I know someone who had Boston Market cater in chicken. If you Do it Yourself, you gotta figure out how it's all getting done -- from cooking to setting the table and coordinating how the food gets to the table in time. A caterer will help you calculate liquor (Just wine for me).

All the accoutrements cost money, so figure out what means what to you. We got a slicing knife, toasting glasses, and a cake topper. Flowers are important to his mom so we will get flowers (she's paying for a chunk of this). Maybe we want an isle runner. But the rest of it -- forget about it.

I am blowing a lot of money on the photographer -- but he's a good one. Pictures are important to me -- got a lot of elderly relatives that I want to remember.

There's just a whole lot of work even for these few things. It is not your day -- it is every one else's . Just try and get a few memorable things done.

I know what you mean about running off to Vegas -- this is all a real pain. But I do want enough to have a marker in my life -- so Justice of the Peace and Vegas wont cut it for me.

Figure out what's important to you.

[chemp]

13. my sister just got married

Best friend got her "ministers" license just for the ceremony. Threw a party at the house. Interrupted in the middle . Held ceremony, (to which it was a surprise to many!), resume party. T'was a theme party , mid summer outside so there were to ties.

Very low key

My brother and his bride said their vows under the moon, and called everyone to tell us they are now married. Cost? license fee. Hidden cost? Mom doesn't accept it.

[chemp]

14. one more thing...

sister passed out disposable cameras to everyone. Some of the photos were embarrassing, but many were surprisingly good! Burned wedding music to CD, no DJ.

[Misinformed01]

15. One more chiming in!

About the drinkers...if you keep your "bar" to beer and wine, it will be easier, and cheaper.

Go to one of those big discount wine places, and start buying cases on sale now-

Stephanie

[no_hypocrisy]

16. How about a secular celebration? I think this is available in NY as well

as PA.

http://www.secular-celebrations.com/Unions.htm

[Bunny]

17. Potlucks are tacky, according to the experts.

Feed your guests what you can afford to buy, not what someone is telling you you should spend, i.e, $20-$30/plate or more. Your guests do not care what you are serving, they are more interested in seeing you tie the knot. Keep the booze simple, beer and wine are fine. A simple cake is lovely for a wedding. Good luck and congratulations!

[Bridget Burke]

18. Yes, supply some food & drink....

Something tasty but non-fancy food. Inexpensive wine (Spanish cavas are good) & a keg or 2 of good beer.

As for the rest, go free-form. Lots of good ideas in this thread.

[Habibi]

19. Yes indeed

Some very good ideas. Keep 'em comin', if you got 'em!

I think I'd just as soon spend the bulk of the budget on food and drink--as cautioned, nothing fancy, but I think that is what makes the party.

[Habibi]

20. I can get some durned good barbeque and sides

for about $15.00 per person here.

When you say "simple cake"--what does that mean? Sorry to be dumb, but really--does that mean a sheet cake from the local Wegman's or--?

See? I really have no idea about this stuff.

[Robb]

23. We had cheesecake

Seriously. Mrs. Robb and I went for a few cheesecakes, because we like it. No one needs very much, and it's a good filler dessert.

Our other trick was to get married in the morning, 10:00 or so. So we had little brunch snacky food, champagne, and orange juice (mimosas!). And some cheesecake.

Real simple... the key is to keep your getaway car ready, and when you're done, speed off!

[Bunny]

38. Actually, yes. A simple sheetcake from your local bakery or supermarket

would be nice.

If they know it's for a wedding, they'll go out of their way to make it special. And it beats paying hundreds of dollars for a 6-tiered froo-froo thing with the bride and groom at the top! (unless of course you want one of those, in which case I say: go for it!:)

Honestly, your guests will not care. I think the ideas you have, and the ones posted here, are lovely, and will make for a more comfortable and enjoyable day for you and your guests.

But, I'll cop to having a bit of an attitude about weddings - I cannot stand these $30,000-$40,000 affairs that ordinary couples somehow feel compelled to stage these days. Unless they're Donald Trump, who are these people trying to impress, anyway?

It's your day, do it your way. Simple and tasteful is the way to go.

[jimbo fett]

21. Ex-lesbian?

I'm confused. How does one become an ex-lesbian?

[Habibi]

27. Well

you fall in love with a man.

[Beaker]

32. maybe she ran out of lipstick...

[radwriter0555]

22. All you need to do is throw a party and have some official person marry

you. No more to it than if you were indeed, having a big party.

Except it will cost you 1/10000th of a 'traditional US wedding'...

Why not get married at the courthouse and throw a BIG ASS party to celebrate it? You don't need to have the ooh ooh sniff sniff ceremony thing... it's all great and sentimental and all, but kinda overdone for my taste.

Toss down THE party you want the people you love to enjoy, that is simply celebrating your wedding.

Yes, caterers, booze factoring, blah blah blah... but that's the fun part!

Hire friends, relatives.. heck why NOT have a potluck? Food of love baby!

[buddhamama]

25. Congrats!

I think a big party in the backyard, picnic style- ask friends to help with the cookin' or employ someone to do it- sounds great.

I've been to such a wedding. It was summer time the dress was casual and appropriate for the temps. No one, not even the wedding party dressed up. If that is the kind of ceremony you're going for, then go for it.

It can be as formal or as relaxed as you wish.
Your family and friends should understand that it is your day,
and be happy for you; the rest won't or shouldn't matter.

[Liberal Christian]

26. Some options

Begin by doing research about who is allowed to solemnize marriage in your state. See if a friend of yours qualifies.

You don't need people to "stand up" with you. All you need is witnesses to sign the marriage certificate. That can be anyone there. Stand up by yourselves and decide who you want to ask later to sign the marriage certificate. You will probably need to make sure that this gets filed properly.

If no one's standing up, then you don't need to worry about wardrobe, except for you and your intended.

A good friend of mine planned a wedding in a week. They decided they wanted family and a few friends there. They invited everyone by telephone and had a potluck. I think she said they spent about $250.

Another friend had a "wed-nic" ... a picnic that was an annual tradition with their friends at which she and her husband just happened to get married.

I've been to weddings where the only alcohol served was for the champagne toast or where the only food was finger food. And, like everyone else, I've been to big, blowout, princess weddings.

The key is what do YOU want to do? How do YOU want to celebrate? Are you doing this to gather your friends together to celebrate this next step of your life or to give them the most involved party they've ever had? Are your friends the kind of people who will somehow judge you and find you wanting if you don't have a big, expensive blowout? If they are, why are they your friends?

[BigMcLargehuge]

28. it's hard but it can be done

I didn't get the totally non-religious wedding I'd hoped for as my wife was raised Methodist. However, her pastor was EXTREMELY accomodating to my requests for pre-Christian and non-Christian readings during the service. He ever altered the blessing to accomodate me by using "Human Family and society" in place of "in the eyes of God".

He let me read a long passage from The Brother's Karamazov in place of a bible verse, and we had borrowed readings from Hinduism and the myth of the Androgynes.

The Pastor and I spent a long time debating atheism vs. theism in the lead up to the wedding and it was always very friendly.

We did the reception cooking ourselves (and didn't make enough food) and hosted the reception at the Lions club right beside the church so no limosine was necessary. We brought in our own DJ equipment so the music was good.

We even cleaned the place as a family afterword. Total cost, about a grand.

Memories of the day, priceless.

So it can be done.

[truthspeaker]

30. surprised you can't find an officiant in NY

like a retired judge or Justice of the Peace. Why not have one of your friends get an ordination from the Universal Life Church? It's quick, easy, and free!

[Habibi]

35. In NY

you can't be a religious officiant if you don't have a congregation or at least a "meeting house" of some kind.

Doesn't that suck?

[truthspeaker]

41. sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen!

I'm a little surprised to see that in normally secular New York. Paper ministers can perform weddings in Minnesota (I attended one last summer, in fact) but some Rethug official was talking about changing that. I'll make sure to get approved to do marriages here before that happens. My ordination should come through early next week.

But the OP could still do the actual marriage in the courthouse but have a friend perform a ceremony at the wedding.

[Habibi]

42. Hmm!

That's a good thought.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

31. This is our plan:

We're going to Florida. We're gonna get married on a beach in the gulf at sunset. Somethinge simple. We're taking my best friend and her husband, and possibly my bf's brother. It's something on our terms. Then when we get home, we'll have a little reception with our families. It won't be a lot, but it'll be something we will remember for the rest of our lives. Don't settle for anything less than what you really want.
And it's not tacky to have food that you want. You don't have to have a caterer. If we were going to have barbeque type stuff if we were going to have a big wedding like Chicken and Brisket, baked beans, potato salad, etc. Make it BYOB, just get some kegs. Does that help?
Duckie

[Beaker]

33. we did something similar-

we eloped & got married on a beach on Kauai, and then broadcast our wedding announcement to my wives parents back in chicago via the radio show of a chicago dj(steve dahl) who was doing his show from Hawaii that week at the hotel we were staying in...

we had a reception party back home a few weeks later.

[skippysmom]

34. Congratulations!

I planned my fairly traditional wedding two years ago, and I wonder why I went through all of that. (Mostly for family, I guess.)

My advice is not to treat it as a wedding -- just a party to celebrate your nuptials. And don't mention wedding to any vendor (caterer, etc.) -- just say you're throwing a party. I've been told you can get a better rate if you don't mention a wedding -- they love to rip couples off.

When I was planning my wedding, I read and posted on IndieBride, but some of the people on there are rather annoying. The Knot is even worse.

[Habibi]

36. Oooh

Thanks for the tip!

[alwynsw]

37. You match my wife, except for the ex-lesbian part

although she was labeled as one by the local busybodies. That's a long story. We did the casino wedding thing, but not in Vegas. I called a casino host at Aztar Evansville (IN) where we met. I told her I need a suite at the hotel and a Justice O' Peace. Our 4th anniversary is in April.

Go fot it however you want. COngratulations and good luck!

[pagerbear]

39. Digression

Why do we confuse the legal wedding and the church wedding in this country? Someone in a recent gay marriage thread explained how in his country most people are married at the courthouse and those who want a church wedding do it separately. I think if that were our custom in the US it would save a lot of confusion and heartache over gay marriage.

Someone in this thread suggested getting the legal thing done at the courthouse and then having a party--perhaps with a moment to formally declare your love and intentions in front of on and all. That sounds like a terrific idea.

Just my two cents' worth.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

40. I've attended potluck wedding receptions

and it shouldn't be hard to find a nonreligious ceremony. I had a friend who got married at city hall in New York. I've also seen brides wear all sorts of things, including a white suit or a simple pastel dress. You don't need a lot of attendants, either, just two witnesses.

If your friends are mostly people who are compatible with your values, none of this will be a problem.

If I were to get married, my friends wouldn't be a problem no matter what I did, but my mother and great-aunt would be on the phone giving me the standard Brides magazine line.