Dear friends, I need your input.

[tango-tee]

Am I only feeling sorry for myself?

I returned to Europe from the U.S. sixteen years ago to take care of my elderly parents. My mom has been paralyzed from a stroke for 27 years and is completely bedridden now; my dad died from colon cancer five years ago; my husband's leg was amputated last year, and my younger sister, whose partner also died of cancer, is permanently unemployed (art historian... not much of a chance in that field right now).

My family looks to me for help, they need me to "be there" for them in one way or another. At the same time, I have a full-time job in a demanding field (aircraft maintenance) but oftentimes feel that my batteries are running low. I have obligations, I need to keep going.

While I function well enough in everyday life, I have lost much of the joy in life I once had. There are few carefree moments, because I have developed the habit of being on the lookout for trouble lurking around the corner. I am now anticipating one problem coming after the other with no end in sight. Once my mom is no longer with us, it will by my baby sister who needs help. I feel so drained at only 58 years of age. Dawg, I hate that feeling of feeling sorry for myself.

Any advice you have to give will be very much appreciated. Even if it is the proverbial kick in the ass.


:nopity:

[theNotoriousP.I.G.]

1. tango-tee!

You are not feeling sorry for yourself! You are carrying the weight of three other people on your shoulders and holding down a demanding full time job. You have developed what I call "waiting for the other shoe to drop." I know it well. Realistically, you have to care for your family but you should also carve out some "just for me" time in your schedule. I know you have your Saturday afternoons but how about a vacation for a week or so? I know this really nice lady in München.....and by the way are you too busy for a phone call today?

[tango-tee]

2. I sent you an email a few minutes ago, but let me get to the phone...

Thanks for writing, babe.

[Dr Morbius]

3. I'm sort of new; we've never met.

But perhaps I can offer something.

I learned a long, long time ago that if you look for negative things, negative things are what you find. If you look for positive things, then you are able to find positive things. It's an eyes-to-the-ground, eyes-to-the-sky thing; can't see the stars with your eyes on your feet. You've had some bad luck, that's plain; I bet right now positives are hard to see. But I also bet they're there.

Your family looks to you; that means you have family, people who trust you and look up to you. This is a blessing; I myself am estranged from most of my family. You mentioned your husband; imagine your how your life would have been without him. Here's another thought: had it not been your mother's need, don't you think someone else close to you would have needed you instead?

You seem like a very good person, the kind of person who immediately and permanently accepts responsibility for others. I don't think that's due to circumstance only; others have been in the same circumstance as yourself and refused to accept the responsibility. Others would have put your Mom in a home many years ago. A former Speaker of the House of Representatives dumped his wife while she lay dying of cancer, and former Presidential candidate John Edwards had a kid on the side while his wife suffered from lung cancer. Part of the reason you have suffered is that you accept the suffering. And people like you, the good people in the world, accept it wherever they go.

So, here are my suggestions: chin up! Feeling sorry for yourself is a trap; it's a steep slope of sorts, and once you start sliding down it becomes hard to arrest your progress. Look up; there are indeed stars up there. Good things have happened to you along with the bad things; try to remember them. Most importantly, prepare for problems but don't anticipate them! Look for rain, you'll get it; look for rainbows, you will see them. It's all a matter of what you're looking for.

And have a talk with your sister, a real tough talk because she needs it and you're the leader - leadership is all about responsibility. She's hardly unemployable. She can't get a job in her field; she's not alone. I, for example, am 48, almost everyone calls me a genius, but since I didn't go to college and determined a "field," I've never worked in any job which took full advantage of my skills. I work today in a hotel as an electrician and while my wages aren't good - ooh, my boss is a right-wing bastard, don't get me started - I manage to support a wife and a teenage daughter somehow. I am useful to my employer because I attack my work; I see what needs to be done and only a very great fool gets between me and something I want to accomplish. So if I can work at a job which pretty much wastes my abilities for my family, she can do it for herself. If she's an art historian, she has a brain; if she has a brain, she can learn a way to be useful. The best thing for you and for her is for her to look for it. Make it quite clear, for her good as well as your own, that sweet as you are, you will not tolerate a sponge.

And go to a spa or something. Get laid, get drunk, climb a mountain or something. Attend a mosh pit, if you can still find one these days. Do something cathartic. Be happy. :)

[tango-tee]

4. Dr Morbius ...

I so much appreciate your answer, and I particularly love the last paragraph. I got a big, dirty, shit-eating grin out of it. Hmmm. Let me see what I can do.

Thank you so much. Yours is a post I will be happy to re-read. Again, I am very, very grateful for the thought and caring you have put into words.

[Dr Morbius]

6. Yer welcome.

Somehow, I know not when, my soul became infused with that of Abigail Van Buren. It's a curse and, naturally, a blessing at the same time. :)

Decide to be happy, please. Seriously, there's something to that catharsis.

[tango-tee]

8. Guess what. I'm taking you up on that catharsis business.

I went and bought a bottle of brandy. And I have every intention of killing that bad puppy tonight.

Apologizing in advance for any untoward, incomprehensible posts which might be issuing from yours truly within the next twelve hours or so (or until I pass out peacfully / will be arrested for heaven knows what).

Hrmmmf. Burp.

[tango-tee]

24. Before I forget...

...welcome to the wild and crazy world of DU! :headbang:

[auntAgonist]

7. What a very well thought out and heartfelt post! Welcome

to DU.

:hi:

aA
kesha

[Dystopian]

12. You are precious....

Welcome, Dr Morbius:hug:
You warmed my heart..... With your words, you've inspired others.
You've given of yourself....tango-tee will be in a better space....
As will many others...Sweet food for thought.

Thank you for being you...
A genius!:-) Kind and compassionate.

peace~

[nolabear]

36. I like the way you think. Happiness takes work; it really does.

And insisting that others help you enjoy your own life as you help them enjoy theirs isn't selfish or wrong; it's just cooperation. I second your advice.

[applegrove]

38. ...what they said.

[MiddleFingerMom]

5. Dr Morbius' comments WERE great!!

.
Welcome to DU, Dr Morbius!!! :hi:
.
tango-tee, it sounds like the thing you may have most control over (and perhaps
least responsibility for) is your baby sister. Have the talk with her. Just
because she's permanently unemployable as an art historian doesn't mean she's
permanently unemployable. She may just have to be like most folks -- get a job
where she'll have to struggle more than some others (or more than she might have
to if she could find that mythical art historian job).
.
I assume from the earlier Munchen comment that you might be living in Bavaria.
I lived in Nurnberg for 3-1/2 years and absolutely LOVED it -- much as I love
where I'm living now, I envy you your location -- there are probably many other
blessings in your life that your responsiblities may be standing in front and
blocking your view of.
.
Something else you'll have to work at -- this shrugging off (temporarily, at
least) the weight on your shoulders that I can only guess at -- but you seem
like a strong and resourceful person. If you see that as another one of your
responsibilities -- but this time a responsibility to take care of YOURSELF,
I'm sure you can throw the same talents into it as you would for one of your
family members.
.
HEY!! You're family too, you know.
.

[tango-tee]

9. Dear MFM,

Thanks... yes I know, I'm family here and it feels so good to know that. Just being able to sort of puke my guts out is a great relief. NO, I HAVE NOT YET STARTED ON THE BRANDY.

As far as having "the talk" with my baby sister is concerned... this will be difficult. It's not something I haven't tried before. She feels that it is beneath her calling to do any other work. So I have a choice to either let her hit rock bottom (and feel like a heel) or help her (and feel taken advantage of). I have no idea which is better or worse.

Going to uncork that brandy.

BTW, where did you live in Nürnberg? I grew up not too far from Merrell Barracks.

[MiddleFingerMom]

11. I was stationed at Merrell Barracks...

.
...but my ex and I lived closer to Furth, I believe, a block
or two away from the U.S. Army hospital.
.

[tango-tee]

14. And my first job was as a translator at William O'Darby in Furth!

What a small world it is! When did you live here? The Volksfest is going on right now - having been stationed at Merrell, I just KNOW you went to the Volksfest in the spring and early fall! Practically across the street... Beer tents and roller coasters, bratwurst and more beer!

My parents were involved in the German-American friendship club and each Christmas we had GIs at our house to spend the holiday with us. I remember Mom knitting scarves for them and Dad buying Bavarian beer mugs as gifts. These young men came over, first shy and awkward, but thawing out more by the minute. After the first Christmas visit, they kept coming by frequently throughout the year and several times soldiers' parents came by as well. It was a great time. My parents found out what BBQ was all about, my English improved, and as time went by we had an open house each Sunday for all who wanted to visit. There was some serious cooking going on, believe me. Schweinebraten and Klöße, my mom's specialty. In great quantity.

And then I married an American. Who would have guessed? :silly:

[MiddleFingerMom]

20. I was a medic...

.
...and twice a year, the Flight Surgeon we worked for would tell
all our commanders that he was taking us "somewhere" for "advanced
medic training" and he and we would all head straight for the
Volksfest, where we trained in emergency administration of massive
amounts of fluids IM (Inda Mouth). Good boss!
.
When I returned to the States, I was stationed with the 101st Airborne,
but applied for a job as interpreter for the '77 Reforger maneuvers.
The interviewer was an American major who had gotten an advanced degree
at the University of Vienna and probably spoke better German than most
Germans. A leetle intimidating. He said I was the only acceptable
candidate (the rest speaking good "bar German", but my commander
wouldn't sign my release (we were in one of that era's First Strike
teams and HE wanted me for a kind of Radar O'Reilly job).
.
Schiese. Pissed. My Lieutenant told someone when he thought I couldn't
hear, "There's an AWOL just waiting to happen."
.
M-m-m-m, Nurnberger bratwurst!!!
.
Married a German woman whose stepfather was a GI (since she was 5
or so), so she was fluent in English and used to American culture.
.
Seriously considered getting out over there and living the rest of
my life, but MiddleFingerMomDad was very ill and it would have been
some time before I would have been able to afford to come home had
things gone critical.
.

[tango-tee]

23. Bratwurst.....

I longed for bratwurst - the REAL thing - the entire 20 years I lived in America. Guess there are some things that simply spell "home".

There is a butcher shop right around the corner from my mom's house and they still make their own tiny Nürnberger bratwurst, smoke and can them. They are really delicious.

I had a fairly steady supply coming from my parents throughout all the years I lived stateside without any problems from customs. If you'd like me to send you some, PM me. Mmmmmm, imagine them on a crispy roll with some spicy mustard.... mmmmmm. And a nice, cold beer.

Now that I'm back in Germany, guess what I want? Texas BBQ. I would be willing to kill (well, damn near) for a hot link from Gerard's in Beaumont. Channeling Southeast Texas DUers! Hellllooo!!!!

[Brickbat]

10. Schedule some dakly or weekly time for yourself, and honor it you would honor any other appointment.

And indulge. Get a massage. Sit in a park with a good book. Work out. Buy yourself a big piece of cake with frosting. Listen to an album. Sit in a church, if you're a believer. Write a poem. Plant a bulb in a pot. You MUST make sure you have time for you, and treat that time with the same importance you treat time for everyone else. Make it regular, and make it untouchable.

[tango-tee]

16. I've found that if I try and treat Saturdays as "my day"

it helps me recharge. I do my weekly grocery shopping early in the morning, my friends know I'm home if they want to call, but other than that I "veg out". I only need to watch out that my family doesn't take advantage of my special day - they know I'm available and it's tempting for them to say "Oh, you're not doing anything anyway, so how about coming over and (fill in the blank)?"

I have a difficult time saying "no" and drawing boundaries. Many women have that problem, I believe. Especially women of my generation who were still raised to be the good girl, always available to come to the aid of one and all.

[Brickbat]

22. That is SO true. Sometimes you just have to be unavailable, you know?

As a firstborn, I know where you're coming from, FWIW. :hug:

[tango-tee]

25. Firstborn here, too.

Looking into family constellations is fascinating. Firstborn girls tend to be the caretakers, I believe. :pals:

[texanwitch]

26. I am the youngest.

The older three didn't give a damn.

My Aunt wiil take over for awhile, the home is near her house, in another city.

I bought some distance between us.

[tango-tee]

27. At times that is the best thing to do - distancing yourself.

Depending on the family, closeness can be suffocating, it can be like a ball and chain on your ankle. And at the same time, while being close geographically, you can be lightyears apart from each other at heart.

And when you feel that you're the one carrying the responsibilities other family members aren't willing to share, the burden becomes only so much heavier. It's a good thing your aunt is there, so you can get some respite.

Sending you my very best wishes - the time has come for you to be good to yourself, dear texanwitch.

[texanwitch]

29. My aunt and father can visit, he can even go home with her on the weekends.

It is a small town home, everybody knows everybody.

She will go there herself when the time comes.

It is the best place.

I will go visit from time to to time.


My Aunt is 12 years younger and in good health.

[tango-tee]

32. That's good.

And a big worry off your mind. BTW, I lived in Beaumont for many years!

[texanwitch]

39. Beaumont is just down the road from Houston.

I have some cousins that live there now, their roof just got fixed from the last hurricane.

[tango-tee]

41. My son was lucky during Rita,

there was a huge oak tree in his front yard, and when it fell it fell across the road and not on the house. When I was in Beaumont last summer for my son's wedding, there were still quite a few houses with damaged roofs. Oh, and the weather in July... I had forgotten all about the heat. I left Frankfurt and it was 60° here. Walked out of the terminal in Houston, and it was 103° and MUGGY. It was like walking into a brick wall.

But Texas BBQ makes up for all of it.

[texanwitch]

43. The insurance company was really slow in paying off.

July and August down here is so awful.

I do get sort of get used to the heat by August.

We were afraid of another hurricane coming, it was a long hot summer.

We don't need another major hurricane anytime soon.

The worst thing about Ike for me was waiting for it to get here.

I knew that Ike was coming at us.

It took something like 3 weeks to get here, I was ready.

Then 2 weeks of no power, a huge part of our area just shut down for a week or two.

I was happy it was September not August.

[tango-tee]

44. And I kept checking all the official weather sites

as Katrina, Rita and Ike were making their way to the coast. Being so far away and feeling so helpless, keeping all of the people who were dreading the hurricanes in my thoughts. Thinking about their fear, the possible loss of lives and the terrible damage. My son couldn't evacuate because he was part of the rescue team. I was worried sick. My Aunt Ruth in Beaumont, 90 years old, living by herself... I called her grandson in Houston to make sure someone would bring her to safety.

[texanwitch]

45. I bet your Aunt would have wanted to ride it out.

Most people stayed around here, very few left.

Late in afternoon people were still puting up boards on the windows.

Everybody was hoping that Ike would go somewhere else.

The sound of the wind was something else.

I had two layers of tin on 3 windows for air after the power would go off.

The wind seemed to last forever, it was a long night.

The hurricane did turn east toward the end, Houston was spared a direct hit.

All that storm surge was suppose to go up the ship channel into the bayous.

Wind and flood.

We lost our beach house because of Ike, but we were lucky.

Many people lost everything, including their lives.

[tango-tee]

46. I kept thinking about the animals left behind,

cows, horses, dogs, cats.

I only experienced one hurricane while I lived in Beaumont all those years ago, and it scared the living daylights out of me. The sound of the howling wind, the darkness, the clouds and the rain. Yes, many people decide to ride it out, and looking at some of the really modest houses - my father-in-law lived in an old shotgun house - it's surprising how many of them have withstood several of these awful storms.

Oh, I love the area at the Texas/Louisiana border. There is *something* about it. Many people scoff at it, thinking it's nothing but a bunch of illiterate, rednecked knuckledraggers. There is a fair share of them, but I met so many wonderful people there as well. I have many, many fond memories.

Most likely, I'll be back around Christmas time this year...

[texanwitch]

47. Christmas will be here in no time.

There should a fair number of union people working around Beaumont.

There are good people and bad people everywhere.

I was thinking about the animals that night and hoped they were moved to safety.

I remember a news report about the large number of cattle that died that night.

I hope it was a quick death.


A lot of the old houses are built very strong, a lot better then the new ones.

Our old house didn't even shake and we had strong winds.

Ike went far inland.

Hope your family came out OK.

[Dystopian]

13. You have friends...

tango-tee:hug:
I see that you've connected with our Notorious.....
:grouphug:
You've been through a lot....I've felt like you do, many times in my life...
I have no words of wisdom...you've received replies with positive suggestions.
I just want you to know that life gets better..it is always up and down..
I'm wishing you happiness and peace of mind....It's there..



peace~

[tango-tee]

15. Dear Dystopian,

I know you are close to Notorious. She is so sweet - we had our Saturday gabfest on the phone, being silly and serious all at once. It felt so good. Perhaps life isn't such a bear after all?

Thanks... :loveya:

[texanwitch]

17. I know what you are feeling.

Been there and done that.

My father is about to go to a home and then my life if mine again.

I really reached my limit, no more for right now.

Your family needs you but you need to set some limits.

I learned this the hard way.

Like everybody has been saying find time for yourself or you will burn out.

I am beyound burnt out right now.

[tango-tee]

18. I can very well imagine the way you feel, texanwitch.

When you say that your life will be yours again and that you are beyond burnt out - you must have been going through a rough patch. Taking care of an elderly parent is hard. Now the time has come for you to be good to yourself. I think oftentimes it's the small things that soothe the soul. Being able to sit and enjoy the peace and quiet without keeping your ears perked if someone is calling your name, because you're needed. Being able to take a nap. Not being "on" all the time.

Dear texanwitch, here's a big :hug: for you.

[texanwitch]

21. Thanks for the hug.

:hug: :pals: :pals: :hug: :hug: :hug:


I can now see light at the end of a long tunnel.


I am done for the year.

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

19. Get some help!

Stop carrying the weight of everyone's needs and burdens as your own or you'll end up needing care too.........

[Call Me Wesley]

28. You need some St. Galler Bratwurst.

And time for yourself. It's pretty simple: You can't recharge their batteries if yours are out of power. Is your whole family in Europe? Did you contact your social help agency to get some additional care so you can get some relief there?

[tango-tee]

30. The Great Bratwurst Battle is looming! Nürnberg vs. St. Gallen!

Thanks for the smile, Wesley!

My what is now termed "family of origin" is here in Germany, but my son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter live in Texas. They are doing well, T-Man and Chas are madly in love and my grandbaby is a treasure. I am so happy for the close-knit family they've grown into.

Yes, the social relief folks come by Mom's house twice a day to take care of her medical problems. Still, what lies ahead worries me more. Since my sister has never worked, she is not even registered to receive minimal retirement benefits. She is now 50 years old, and my parents have paid for everything all of her adult years - apartment, daily living expenses, whatever. The big mistake they made was to not force her to take on a job, any job, to support herself when she couldn't find work in her field as an art historian. Hell, I've known cab drivers who were trained as geologists or marine biologists. They started driving cabs to support themselves. But my parents never thought it was necessary for my sister to take on such "menial" work. And we're certainly not from moneyed stock - Dad was a railroad engineer and Mom was a housewife.

Shortly before his death I asked Dad what he thought would become of my sister after he was gone. He looked at me and said, "Well, she'll always have you to turn to". I was floored.

The chickens are coming home to roost now. It is not a pleasant situation.

[texanwitch]

31. She can still work, she only 50.

I wish you well.

:pals:

[tango-tee]

33. Girl, that's what you and I say.

But if you've never been forced to fend for yourself in your 50 years on this earth - how do you start? What do you do? She is pretty well helpless when it comes to anything outside of the ivory tower and Dad's checkbook.

[texanwitch]

34. I have a family member who's husband took care of everything.

When he died she didn't know anything about anything.

She was almost 60, she had to learn fast.

She couldn't write a check or pay bills.

Now she can.

[tango-tee]

35. That's my mom and my sister.

And I'm grinding my tooth enamel to powder and losing sleep.

[texanwitch]

37. They need to start learning now before there is any real pressure.

You may need to practice a little tough love on them.

[Dr Morbius]

40. Persist,

Press on.
Hang tough.
Maintain.
Keep going.
Persevere.
Stand firm.
Stick with it.
Endure.
See it through.
Stay the course.

And if all that fails, try again.

:)

Recognize this, please: sooner or later she will have no one upon whom she can lean, and what will she do then? 'Tis time to grow up. The best thing for her, and incidentally the fairest thing for both of you, is for her to choose to be less helpless. Tell her it isn't cute anymore.

My best advice: keep trying. You only need to succeed once.

[tango-tee]

42. Wise words...

I will try to keep them in mind in the future, and try to follow them. It's just really difficult to change deeply ingrained patterns of behavior.