Simple question: You have two married friends. One starts cheating. Do you tell the other?

[Xithras]

This popped up last weekend and has me torn. I have two friends who have been married about 10 years and have two young daughters. My wife and I have been friends with them for about four years now. Without getting into the gory details, something happened this weekend that revealed that the wife is not only having a full-on sexual relationship with a guy who isn't her husband, but that it may have been going on for quite a while.

Would you tell the husband? I know him pretty well, and he's not the kind of guy who would be OK with this or look the other way, so I assume that he's in the dark about it.

If you were married and your spouse was cheating, would you want your friends to tell you if they found out?

[rurallib]

1. when they start doing these things they never think what a position they put their

friends in.
My answer is I do not know.
The one time we were in a situation even close to that we just stayed away.

[Phentex]

2. It's not simple and don't be so sure about your friend...

He may already know. He may be the kind who *would* look the other way. He might be mad as hell at first and then stay married to her anyway. You never know.

I think these things have a way of working themselves out. What would you gain by telling him? What would you lose by telling him?

[Xithras]

6. I doubt that.

As I said, I know this guy pretty well. I'm a bi-man married to a bi-woman, and while I wouldn't describe my own marriage as "open", we're far more permissive about this sort of thing than most people would be. My friends are all aware of this, and I've had more than a few conversations with friends about my marriage (which includes him). This particular friend is more of a "traditional marriage" believer, and has said to me, point blank: "I couldn't do what you do. If I found out that my wife slept with someone else, my marriage would be over." He was genuinely bewildered by my "it's just sex" attitude. My wife was in the room when he said that a couple years ago, and she reminded me about the comment while we were talking last night.

He's a great guy, but he's a strong believer in the whole "married, to the exclusion of all others, until death do us part" kind of person. I'd be stunned if he knew about it and didn't say anything.

Of course, you really do never know. I found out a few years ago that another pair of my friends had been swingers for years. I had no clue, and would have laughed at the suggestion. So who knows :shrug:

[dawg]

3. I would want to know.

I think most people would.

[Kali]

4. ugh

I would want to know but would probably be in denial and hate you forever.

Since I am clueless and have no life I doubt if I would know about a friend doing this so not sure how I would handle it. Probably confront the cheater first.

[Xithras]

8. No, I absolutely don't want to do that.

My wife brought that idea up last night. She wanted to confront her with a "Stop doing this or I'll tell your husband" ultimatum. Ultimately, I think that injecting ourselves into the middle of this is a terrible idea. Even worse, if the wife AGREED and then the husband later found out anyway, that would make us part of the "conspiracy" that kept it hidden from him. It makes us an accessory to the deception in their marriage.

If I had a role, it would simply be to inform him. Even that might be done anonymously, just to keep my name out of it. The wife is unaware that we know about her affair, so we have the power to drop-dime without taking any heat for it. I already know that I don't want any more involvement than that.

[EFerrari]

5. People don't really know the reality of a marriage unless they're in it

and a lot of times, not even then.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

7. if you're ok with losing both your friends. i mean it might still be worth it to you

to do the "right things".

i am not really sure whether it is or is not the right thing to do.

[RedCloud]

9. The valient thing to do is inform your pal. That way you are still the pal.

Then if he knew about it...???

I believe men are much more hesitant to get involved. It is time to even the scoreboard somewhat.

[Xithras]

10. True, but...

...I'm also good friends with her. While I obviously don't agree with her cheating on her husband, it's ultimately an issue that should be settled between the two of them. It's not something I'd end my friendship with her over. This is very much a "sometimes good people do bad things" kind of situation.

The more I think about it, the less I want my name involved in it at all. If I tell, I'm thinking that I'd prefer to do it with an anonymous Gmail account. That way the argument will stay between them.

[RedCloud]

18. When my wife was cheating on me...

Almost ALL the ladies ratted on her and told me they wanted me to stay friends with them and most of the guys we knew did too. It started with her sister.

My situation was a lot different. I was away in another state (1,000 miles apart)for months at a time getting a new job and trying to find living quarters.

Then when I knew I was going to divorce her, I actually begged those people to remain friends with her as most likely I wouldn't be heading back there any time soon. They just dumped her.

So it is a lot to think about.

[dawg]

11. Just tell him you've heard some rumors.

That gives him the choice of putting his head in the sand if he wants to. If he's like me, he'll want to look into things, and he'll basically be finding out for himself.

No reasonable person would be angry or upset with you for that.

OTOH, if I had a S.O. running around behind my back, and friends knew about it and didn't say anything - well, I think I'd be a little pissed. But that's just me.

[davsand]

12. No WAY would I get up in that--in ANY way shape or form.

You have heard the old phrase, "Shoot the messenger" haven't you? Ain't nobody gonna thank you for taking that news anyplace at all. He'll be pissed at you because you are the messenger, and she'll be pissed at you for ratting her out.

Either way, they are the ones that have to work it out and deal with the emotional mess. If you allow them to do it as they will (in their own time) you can maybe help them both while they are dealing with the aftermath. You inserting yourself in it is not gonna help anybody and it will most certainly cost you both of your friendships.

Run as fast and as far as you can, and convince yourself that you really don't KNOW anything--you just suspect it--and never admit to even that much except under extreme duress or under the influence of massive amounts of truth serum.



Laura

[Xithras]

20. That last bit would be pretty tough.

There is absolutely no doubt that she's having sex with this guy. None. Without getting too detailed, let's just say that I now know what SHE looks like naked, and that HE shaves his pubes. That's not something you can un-see.

As for the rest, you may be right. I'm really just torn between the "I don't want anything to do with this" argument, and the "If it was my wife, I would want to know" argument.

[AtomicKitten]

13. I called a friend at work and told her to go home immediately where the cheating was in progress.

She caught her hubbie with his pants down, literally.

[elleng]

14. No, keep out of it.

No good could come from your intervention, tho meant as a friend.
Sorry for all involved.

[RebelOne]

16. Ditto. n/t

[BrendaBrick]

15. If you know FOR SURE....

and beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was going down - then by all means I would tell...because I would expect the same in return from my friend if the tables were turned. Love CAN BE really blind!

Though I do like what the other poster said...to maybe break it gently and say...rumor has it that...such and such might be happening and this is why I think so, so take it for what its worth...FYI.

But to just stand by idly as one of your friends are being screwed over and betrayed...I just couldn't live with myself is I didn't say SOMETHING or other.

[Xithras]

21. 0% doubt.. (cheaters shouldn't take cellphone photos).

Here's the situation: My wife went out with this friend and another friend on Saturday night, and ended up at a local bar having a few drinks. A short while after getting there, one of the cheaters "friends" showed up, who she introduced as "an old friend from school". My wife said that she was genuinely excited when he showed up, and that she thought that it was unplanned...they really just ran into each other. While they sat around talking, it became clear that the two saw each other regularly, and when questioned, the cheater mentioned that they'd been talking on Facebook and had rekindled their friendship "recently". As the night wore on and the drinks kicked in, the two became chummy enough that it made my wife uncomfortable, but not so uncomfortable that she'd have suspected anything. She called it "inappropriate but not incriminating".

At some point, the guy pulled out his cellphone to make a call. The phone was a Samsung Galaxy S, which my wife has been thinking about getting since the S2 was released and the price of the original S has dropped. She started chatting with the guy about the phone, and at one point he handed it to her so she could check it out. While she was playing with the phone, the cheater and her guy-pal walked out to the dancefloor and did a little dancing.

That's when my wife found it. Apparently the cameraphone had been pulled out during a hookup, and according to my wife there were DOZENS of photos, and several videos, on the phone. Her, and him, doing things they shouldn't have been doing. My wife was pretty upset about it, but decided that she wasn't going to make a scene while they were both half-drunk at the bar. As I said above, she originally planned on confronting her friend later, and giving her a "Give it up or I'll tell" ultimatum. Because she didn't want the friend to deny it, she forwarded a couple of the photos and one of the videos to her own email account. When the two got back from the dance floor, my wife told her friends that she needed to go home, and that they needed to come with her since she was driving. The cheater tried to convince her to stay, but eventually told her that she'd catch a ride home with the boy-toy. So, my wife left with their other friend, and she dropped the other friend off at her house. (Edit in case that was unclear: My wife was the driver at the beginning of the night, and the other two were the passengers. My wife ended up driving the third friend home, while the cheater stayed at the bar with the guy.)

As my wife was driving back to MY house, she decided to not wait and instead went back to the bar again, planning on either confronting her friend, or at least dragging her out of the bar before anything could happen. She was too late. After walking into the bar, she found the friend and her boy-toy making out in the back of the room, with one of his hands firmly planted somewhere it shouldn't have been. My wife was so shocked that she turned around and came home. The friend never even knew she was there. That was about 1:30 AM.

The next morning the cheater sent my wife a text. "If xxxx asks, tell him we were out barhopping late last night. I lost track of time talking with my friend and don't want him to stress." She later found out that the cheater sent the text because she didn't make it home until almost 5AM. The bars close at 2AM. It's pretty obvious what happened between 1:30 and 5.

So, no, there's really no doubt. I've seen the photographic proof.

[seaglass]

49. I don't know much about pics and videos on phones but wouldn't the cheater see that your wife

forwarded them to her phone?

As to the main question.

I would feel betrayed if friends of mine knew that my husband was cheating and didn't tell me. This would include any friend that was as close to me as they were to my husband or closer to me. Anyone who was closer to my husband I wouldn't feel betrayed by but I wouldn't be friends with any longer.

I understand this is hard as there could definitely be a loss of friendship. You need to go into it realizing the risk. I would hope a friend of mine would risk that for me.

[jobycom]

17. Depends on whether they are both your friends, or just one is your friend.

I've been on the wrong end of that equation, where everyone knew about my spouse but me. When I found out, I didn't blame anyone for not telling me, although I did like some of them less. I do blame one guy who I think encouraged it. Usually in a situation like that the cheated spouse realizes why no one told them, but you'd know your friend better than any of us.

Basically, if he's your best friend, tell him. If he's not, don't. You have no idea what it could set off--including a violent encounter.

I can't tell from your post whether she knows you know. If she doesn't, and you're close enough to get involved, tell her you know. This will make her hide it better, or maybe end it (though if it's long term, she won't), or maybe come to whatever decision she needs to make about her marriage.

If you don't know her well enough, leave a note--hand it to her directly when he's not around, don't do it anonymously. Better to tell her, though. Don't make it confrontational--just let her know it's obvious. You can even be real subtle and make it sound like a passing comment. "How's (X), anyway?" if said properly is enough to let her know you know, and pretty much convey everything you want her to know, since she's already worried someone will find out. If you or she aren't that subtle, or if you really want an answer to know why she's doing it, make it more direct. Call her for lunch, tell her you need to talk to her. If you aren't going to tell him, tell her that right away so she won't think you're blackmailing her, and so she won't respond out of fear that you will--she'll be able to handle it better, in other words.

If you are going to tell him, tell her you are going to, and when, so she can handle it herself if she wants. There's no need to have her come home to an ambush, even if it's an emotional ambush. Bad things happen when that happens. Keep in mind that no matter how well you know your friends, this is the exact situation that leads to murders, suicides, assaults, and the like. I had a close friend kill herself when she found out her husband was cheating. I had another friend beaten almost to death (and I mean that quite literally--she was moments from death) because her husband thought she was cheating (with me, and she wasn't). Even good people can react badly in that situation. It hurts like nothing else--I've had close friends die, and it didn't hurt as badly.

What I'm saying is, there's no one answer. You don't know what's really happening in their marriage. And of course we don't know anything about them at all. Take it all into account. But unless he's your best friend (and she's not), don't tell him. Tell her, or let it play itself out. Yeah, you'll live with a queasy, guilty feeling, but it would be worse if something worse happened.

One more caveat: if by "something happened this weekend" you mean something like "she was with this other man at a party and was all over him and not even hiding that they were sleeping together," then tell him. If it's that blatant, she's playing him for the fool as well as cheating on him, and he'll find out, and he'll feel even worse that no one told him.

Just my thoughts. For your consideration only, and reject any that don't apply. I'm giving this advice as someone who has been where he is. I've never been on your end of the deal, though.

[Xithras]

22. I wouldn't call either my "best friend".

But they are both good friends, and we've gone on overnight wine tasting trips to the Napa valley and that sort of thing. My wife is really only friends with "the cheater", but I'm pretty good friends with both of them.

I kind of life you suggestion to tell her first, though I do prefer to be anonymous. Maybe I should send her an anonymous email..."You have two weeks to tell your husband, or I will." At least that will give her the chance to be honest or end the relationship herself, without having a third party like me drop the bomb on him. If he's OK with it, it might also reduce his embarrassment at having other people "know".

If you want the gory details, I posted them upthread. It really WAS almost as blatant as making out with someone at a party. If she keeps this up, I'm also pretty sure that he'll eventually find out anyway.

[jobycom]

34. After reading the above explanation...

I wouldn't do it anonymously. I'd just email her one or two of the photos your wife forwarded, saying "You should be more careful." She'll never bring it up, but she'll get the message.

If she's trying to get friends to cover for her, it won't be much longer until he knows. He probably already suspects. It's hard not to when someone stays out until 5.

[Lance_Boyle]

19. Yes.

Once he finds out on his own and then finds out you knew, you're out 2 friends. As it is now one of them is not worth having as a friend anyway.

[suninvited]

23. that is a pretty sordid tale

all the way down to your wife stealing pictures from a strangers phone.

I wouldn't tell. No way. It is not your problem. Distance yourself and let them figure out on their own.

[Xithras]

27. Lol, yeah. I gave her a bit of a hard time about that. And I need to learn to summarize.

It's sordid, but simple: "Wife went out with friends. One friend ran into her boyfriend. Wife found nude photos of friend and boyfriend on his phone. Wife kept three photos and a video, to confront friend with. Wife later caught the two making out. Friend asked wife to cover for her the next morning."

The post above may have been a bit wordy, but that's basically it. I probably should have just summarized the first explanation, instead of going over all the minutiae.

And yes, I was a bit appalled that my wife would copy a few of the photos off of the guys phone, but in my wifes defense: She was half-drunk and pissed off. She only took the photos as evidence to confront her friend with, or to show her friends husband. She didn't really think the whole thing through until she woke up the next morning.

[riderinthestorm]

24. Yes. She's exposing him to diseases if nothing else, that isn't fair.

If you are swinging you can accept that risk. As it is, he's blind and that's just unfair - and possibly even deadly. If she doesn't care enough to honor their vows (as they've made which is to be exclusive), then she won't care whether she's exposing him to disease.

Do it the anonymous way if that makes you feel better but do tell him.

If you think about the backside of this too, your guy friend may find out himself that you already knew. If/when that happens, he has a right to be damn pissed at both you and your wife for helping keep up the deception.

As a married woman of 25+ years as well, personally I'd want to know.

[bigwillq]

25. No, it's their business

edited: But be supportive if one or the other comes to you after the truth is revealed.

[Major Nikon]

26. I think the best approach is to talk her into telling him

Some marriages survive infidelity. If this woman is cheating, she needs to decide what to do with her marriage. Either she needs to fix things with her marriage which includes ending the affair, or she needs to get divorced. Either way the first step is for her to tell him. If you go and tell him, you will probably doom the marriage.

If you are adamant about telling him, give her the ultimatum that if she doesn't tell him, you will. I would save this until after you ask her to tell him and she refuses. If you tell him, she is going to find out who told anyway, so you might as well go to her first.

[Xithras]

29. I'm agreeing with this more and more.

Someone else mentioned it upthread, and the more I think about it, the better that idea sounds. I do think I want it to be anonymous though.

I'm thinking that I might send her an email that makes it clear that "someone" knows what's going on, and that a second email will be sent to her husband on a certain date. We'll give her a couple of weeks to deal with it herself, before a second anonymous email to him reveals the whole thing.

She'll have time to deal with it however she wants. She can tell him or leave him on her terms. The only thing she won't be able to do is keep it a secret.

It also keeps me from having to inject myself into the middle of it. If I make it clear that it's coming from me, I'll catch flak no matter how I bring this up. If it's anonymous...

[PRETZEL]

43. I agree with the first part

disagree with the second though.

I totally agree that going to her first would be my start. She's the one having the affair. Letting her know that you and your wife also know that she's having the affair puts her on notice so to speak.

I don't agree that if she doesn't do something about it within a certain time frame then you're going to go to her husband.

Realistically, the strain on your friendship with her is already there. She's the one who's asked your wife to provide cover for her if the issue arises so both she and you know the story.

[City of Mills]

28. Um...

...look, a baby lion!



He's so cute and furry, you just want to pat his little lion head, so sweet...

As for your question, oh man, what an awkward situation. Damned if you do, damned if you don't...I've been the 'unaware' guy in this situation, if you asked me whether or not I would want to know, or be told by someone before finding out for myself...ugh...ouch... wouldn't want to know, but then if I found out someone who was my friend knew but didn't say anything...gah...happy place...

Look at this baby platypus!



Like a little baby duck beaver, what a great little beast...so cute...happy...

[Ptah]

30. Does it bother you that your wife

was drinking and driving?

[Xithras]

31. Yes.

But that's another discussion entirely, and could be a topic all of it's own.

"My wife drove herself home drunk last weekend. Do I turn her in?" ;)


She wasn't completely drunk, but she was buzzing pretty well and shouldn't have been driving. Usually, when my wife has too much to drink, she calls me and I pick her up. That obviously didn't happen this time around. There's no real moral quandary with driving drunk though, and I can handle that problem on my own. :spank:

[trof]

32. NO NO NO NO NO ! Been there, done that.

DON'T.
I had THE BEST intentions, but lost both friends.
They still hate me.
Perfectly willing to shoot the messenger.

None of your business.
Let nature take it's course.
Que sera, sera.

REALLY.
Back off.

[Bunny]

33. Butt out. It's really not your business, no matter how hard you try to justify it.

You may think you know the status of their marriage, but in fact, you don't. Your friend and his wife are the only people who know what's really going on, and it's not up to you to stick your nose in.

[trof]

35. BAM! TRUE.

Thank you, Bunny.
:hi:

[Bunny]

36. Thank YOU, trof!

:hi: guy!

[dimbear]

37. Two questions. Friend is appropriate gender? Knows what revenge sex is? n/t

[pa28]

38. Do everybody a favor and stay out.

They might have a "don't ask don't tell" type of relationship, she may have a legitimate score to settle . . . you just don't know and you risk doing more harm than good by revealing this info. If he's only an acquaintance and not a real buddy you'll also end up being the shit stirring bad guy when they reconcile.

BTW don't spread it around your social circle either. They might have real problems and feeding the gossip mill will only make matters worse. I noticed upthread your wife had forwarded pictures from the phone to eliminate deniability. Do you think that was a violation of privacy?

[DebJ]

39. How would you feel if you later found out the husband got AIDS?

[riderinthestorm]

41. I know right. I can't believe that's not even a consideration for so many on this thread.

What kind of "friend" lets the guy get exposed to the risk of his wife possibly having unprotected sex.... STD's, HIV!

Nobody knows the dynamics of this relationship but certainly the health risks alone would indicate some kind of heads up for the guy. :-(

[DebJ]

40. How would you feel if you later found out the husband got AIDS?

[JNelson6563]

42. I did.

I am friends with a couple, more friends with her than him. Amazingly, at last year's Christmas party I was alone with him for a minute. He asked if he'd told me he'd a great trip. I said yes. He asked if he told me he had a girlfriend. He was pretty excited about it and wanted to go on but I put my hand up and said "Stop! Don't tell me another word!". I was so sorry that I knew what I did.

Only a few short years ago my husband (now ex) was having an affair. When we split up and I moved out then I had friends coming forward. Everyone had a story about my ex and his girlfriend, where they'd been or whatever. Frankly I felt somewhat betrayed by these friends who only saw fit to tell me after the fact. I realize it is a tricky position. Still, to find out in the end all knew and said nothing to me (but plenty to everyone else in some cases), yeah, I wasn't feeling too warm toward those friends.

So, in the end, I decided to tell my friend that her husband was cheating. I wasn't going to be one of those friends who enabled that stuff and fed the gossip machine. So I went over for cocktails, drank plenty of truth serum and then let the cat out of the bag. I agonized over it for about 2 months beforehand tho', it was no rash decision to tell her.

This couple is working on their marriage now. He is contrite, she has not yet fully forgiven him. We will see how it plays out.

If it hadn't happened to me I might have handled it differently.

Julie

[snooper2]

44. You have two married friends. One starts cheating.

Why would one of your married friends care about the other married friend?

Are they friends? :P

[VenusRising]

45. Once the friend asked your wife to lie, she involved her in the affair.

If it were me, I would tell the cheater in no uncertain terms that not only would I not lie for her, but also that I would be forwarding all evidence to the husband if she doesn't come clean on her own. Yes, I might lose her as a friend, but if she treats her husband that way I wouldn't trust her as a friend anyway. The evidence can be sent anonymously if she then doesn't come clean.

It's a tough situation. Best of luck.

[Kali]

46. yep

after reading the detail I fully stand by my first thought. talk to the cheater, tell her people know and she needs to come clean with her spouse

[Chan790]

47. I print the photos as 8x10 glossys...

stick them in a plain brown envelope and mail them to him without return address at an address that she wouldn't have access to...like work.

[struggle4progress]

48. This, for me, is 'I'm outta here' territory: it's that never-never world where somebody

suddenly gets hurt badly -- and maybe just not emotionally

Unless one or the other is a really good friend, the whole thing's an immediate write-off

It's not necessary to tell everybody everything you know, but it's poisonous to help folk maintain false fronts