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Why we should vote for a Ham Sandwich for President

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Scott Lee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-20-04 11:27 PM
Original message
Why we should vote for a Ham Sandwich for President
You've all heard it by now. "I'll vote for a ham sandwich before I'll vote for (fill in the blank with you know who)!" And you all snicker. You think it's funny. Ha ha. Well I say there is a very rational, intellectual argument to be made for electing a ham sandwich running on the Democratic ticket.

Follow me here.

First off, national security. How many times have we been attacked by terrorists while a ham sandwich has been in office? Come on, be honest. Kill that Google browser window right this second. I can tell you that we've never been attacked under the watch of ham sandwich. How much safer could you feel? And while we're at it, how many secret service guys do you think it takes to guard a ham sandwich, huh?

And how about the economy. Ham sandwiches aren't known to inveigh tax breaks for the wealthy, or look down their nose at the lower economic classes. Granted, ham sandwiches don't have noses so this might be considered a silly argument, but go to the obvious; A sandwich has no compelling interest to grease the palms of it's rich buddies. Why? Well because it doesn't have any rich buddies. Nobody to "thank" for all the dirty money that got it elected. And look at it's own nature. It's a food stuff for chrissakes. Produce slabbed between two slices of another economic product, often slathered by gobs of product from the condiment industry. Doesn't that have "jobs" written all over it?

Then comes civil rights. I cannot think of anything that is more representative of the Rainbow Culture, the great society of tolerance and undestanding, than a ham sandwich. White bread. Pink meat. Red sauce. Green sauce. Yellow sauce. Red and green, or better, Black olive. A veritable cornucopia of Melting Pot America. A ham sandwich cannot be racist. Or bigotted. Or homophobic. All it can do is get eaten or go rotten. How threatening is that to the fabric of our color blind society?

We're all painfully aware of personal integrity when it comes to presidential hopefuls. Scandals have wracked and ruined many a fine person making a stab at the oval office. Now I give you the ham sandwich. Just what kind of lurid background could this thing possibly have? You could make snide little jokes about it being seen "porking" all over DC, but that's as far as it could go. How many orgies can a ham sandwich have? Are they known for running out on a prostitute before paying the bill? Do they cheat on their spouses? How many interns do you know of, who can look at a ham sandwich and say "Hey baby, how'd you like to push that olive up inside my file cabinet?" They are scandal proof. Golden. Not even Drudge could hang dirt on the squeaky clean ham sandwich.

No, I'm sorry. The facts are clear. When all is said and done, electing a ham sandwich to the office of president makes sense at this juncture in our twisted political history. They simply make the better candidate, given all of our...choices right now. So do your duty. Get out and register, and proudly stride to the polls in November. Make a difference.

The lunch stops here.


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southerngirlwriter Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-20-04 11:29 PM
Response to Original message
1. ROFLMAO
:D
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janx Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-20-04 11:30 PM
Response to Original message
2. The logo ... oh god Scott...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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boobooday Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-20-04 11:30 PM
Response to Original message
3. I'm sorry
I have to write in Pastrami

http://www.wgoeshome.com

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mstrsplinter326 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-20-04 11:31 PM
Response to Original message
4. you leave out something
What about the allergic and the vegs??
Maybe a penicillin injected tofu-burger for VP??
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newyawker99 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 12:54 PM
Response to Reply #4
44. Hi mstrsplinter!!
Welcome to DU!! :toast:
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Faygo Kid Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-20-04 11:31 PM
Response to Original message
5. Isn't your post a bit hogophobic?
Still, I might support your candidate, but only if sweet potatoes are also on the ticket. (Had enough of eggs - thanks, Dr. Atkins).
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kixot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-20-04 11:32 PM
Response to Original message
6. Ok.
But can we have Kunich for VP?
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rpannier Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-20-04 11:34 PM
Response to Original message
7. Amen To That
When Reagan was President, I said it couldn't get any worse. I stand corrected. I'd vote FOR Reagan if he was running against Bush. That's how desperate it is.
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jono Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-20-04 11:54 PM
Response to Reply #7
20. Hi rpannier!
Welcome to DU!

:hi:
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AntiCoup2K4 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 12:09 AM
Response to Reply #7
30. True enough. Even in his CURRENT mental state....
Ronnie would be better than Junior. But not by much :(
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newyawker99 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 12:55 PM
Response to Reply #7
45. Hi rpannier!!
Welcome to DU!! :toast:
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King of New Orleans Donating Member (991 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-20-04 11:35 PM
Response to Original message
8. Is there any thruth to the rumor
that the ham sandwich was once a member of the supersecret Hamhocks and Bones society?

And if the ham sandwich chooses Mr. Green Eggs as a running mate, I can assure you that I will not vote for Green Eggs and Ham!

So said Sam I am.
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Nazgul35 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 12:09 AM
Response to Reply #8
29. Will you vote for them...
on a bus?

on a train?

in the rain?
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snoochie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-20-04 11:39 PM
Response to Original message
9. lol
:thumbsup:
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Name removed Donating Member (0 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-20-04 11:40 PM
Response to Original message
10. Deleted message
Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.
 
maxanne Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-20-04 11:48 PM
Response to Reply #10
17. you are
a humorless little fella, aren't you?
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littlejoe Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 12:03 AM
Response to Reply #17
24. When I see something funny, I'll laugh.
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Name removed Donating Member (0 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 12:07 AM
Response to Reply #17
28. Deleted message
Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.
 
Name removed Donating Member (0 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 12:11 AM
Response to Reply #28
31. Deleted message
Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.
 
Scott Lee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 12:18 AM
Response to Reply #31
33. Maybe he's just using that internet spam technique
you know, all the ads you get that promise to help you grow your little joe into a big joe?

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King of New Orleans Donating Member (991 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-20-04 11:50 PM
Response to Reply #10
18. It's just that attitude that drives
me closer to the Pastrami camp. Don't think we don't know the ham sandwich is the chosen sandwich of the Meat Leadership Council.

And another thing, this place used to cover the spectrum from ham to pastrami, but every day now I see more and more roast beefers posting on this board. I just makes me so hungry!
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Paulie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-20-04 11:42 PM
Response to Original message
11. Vote Conscience in Primary - Vote Ham on Onion Roll Nov 2nd!
Onion gets the southern vadallia vote, so it's a two tier strategy.
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littlejoe Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-20-04 11:47 PM
Response to Reply #11
15. Since you seem to be into food, I have a
long john you might enjoy.
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Paulie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-20-04 11:54 PM
Response to Reply #15
21. No Donuts for me!
But I did work at Subway for 3 years , so I know my sandwiches!!!! (4.50 an hour in the early 90's, 480mo rent/ 490mo income)
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HFishbine Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 01:13 PM
Response to Reply #11
50. More false choices
Edited on Sat Feb-21-04 01:14 PM by HFishbine
Typical of Americans blinded by the luncheon mentality that has gripped our nation. What's wrong with dreaming of dinner? Why do we insist that a sandwich of some kind is our only option? In our hearts we'd all prefer a nice tuna steak, yet we settle for a sandwich because it's "delicious."
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BootinUp Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-20-04 11:44 PM
Response to Original message
12. Where ya been Scottie?
missed your biting wit and criticism. Glad your back.
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DjTj Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-20-04 11:45 PM
Response to Original message
13. ...add a side of pretzels...
...so Bush will choke.
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quaker bill Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-20-04 11:45 PM
Response to Original message
14. Talk about electability!
I just love a ham sandwich. The Cubans make a wonderful one, perhaps we could capture the Hispanic vote?

Think about the Union support. How many of those union folks wouldn't go for a ham sandwich?

Of course we would need to check the background, we wouldn't want one of those factory farmed hams, we could lose the midwest. We would need one of those family farmed hams.

Ham Sandwich 2004!
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Paulie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 12:05 AM
Response to Reply #14
26. We can definately count on Virginia going BLUE!
Don't ya just "relish" the thought? :D
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Mr. Brown of MD Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 01:03 PM
Response to Reply #26
47. Oof
I think that one actually kicked me in the stomach.

Good show.

-CollegeDude
Rolling on the floor at the whole thread
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GreenArrow Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-20-04 11:47 PM
Response to Original message
16. never mind
Edited on Fri Feb-20-04 11:48 PM by GreenArrow
.
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MurikanDemocrat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-20-04 11:54 PM
Response to Original message
19. Potato chips for VP!!!
:thumbsup:
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DBoon Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-20-04 11:56 PM
Response to Original message
22. I'm voting for the yellow dog
He loves ham sandwiches. Eats 'em up real fast. The ham sandwich doesn't stand a chance.
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sistersofmercy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-20-04 11:58 PM
Response to Original message
23. Funny!
Btw, where the heck have you been? I prefer ham salad but to each his/her own.
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HFishbine Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 01:16 PM
Response to Reply #23
51. Ham salad?!?!
Are you insane? Why hand the repucumbers a wedge issue?
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madfloridian Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 12:05 AM
Response to Original message
25. LOL, Scott, that is one handsome ham sandwich.
:yourock:
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Scott Lee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 12:07 AM
Response to Reply #25
27. Aint it though
Won't you be proud to watch it in January, with it's cute little toothpick on the Bible, saying "I swear to honorably and faithfully execute the office of President of the United States of America..."

Oh I'm just getting shivers already.



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slinkerwink Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 12:29 AM
Response to Reply #27
40. *licks lips* I've never cannibalized a Ham Sandwich President before!
;-)
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HFishbine Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 01:17 PM
Response to Reply #27
52. Oh, oh. There may be a problem
Is it at least 35 years old?
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Scott Lee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 05:32 PM
Response to Reply #52
56. That could actually be a plus.
At the debates, no one will "want to take a bite out of him".


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NoPasaran Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 12:17 AM
Response to Original message
32. No ham sandwich has ever beaten an incumbant president!
If we don't stand firm with pastrami we'll be grilled cheese come November
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Paulie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 12:20 AM
Response to Reply #32
35. Two cold cuts in the hand beat any in a bush
Plus, it's already been decided that Ham is the one, pastrami can only pull in NY, ham can get southern red states!
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slinkerwink Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 12:19 AM
Response to Original message
34. BACON! BACON! I BEG FOR BACON!
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Paulie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 12:21 AM
Response to Reply #34
36. Bacon is a relative, so a cabinet position is assured!
Bacon will be represented!
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WillyT Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 12:23 AM
Response to Original message
37. LMAO Here !!! --- Thank You Scott !!!
We seem to be a tad humor deficient here in ole GDP2004, as of late!!!

:toast::hi::toast:
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Scott Lee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 12:26 AM
Response to Reply #37
38. Aww you're a pal. Thanks
Humor is the spice of life, I've been told....but man you're right, hasn't been a lot to laugh about lately.


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RetroLounge Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 12:27 AM
Response to Original message
39. I was a Reuben Sandwich Democrat
until the media destroyed him...
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SadEagle Donating Member (664 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 12:55 AM
Response to Original message
41. LOL!
Not very kosher, though ;-)
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fujiyama Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 01:15 AM
Response to Original message
42. We might have some trouble...
with both the Jewish (orthodox) and Muslim votes...so Mi will be even riskier...I think we can convince them that this campaign is about equal rights of all meats and sandwiches.

Personally I'd prefer a chicken parmagean...Either way I do like my sandwiches toasted, but I can live with it being a little cold.
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_Jumper_ Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 01:25 AM
Response to Reply #42
43. We'll win a lot of those votes
They know that Ham will immediately be able to bring peace to the Middle East.
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Walt Starr Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 12:58 PM
Response to Original message
46. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you our Ham Sandwich:
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citizen snips Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 01:04 PM
Response to Original message
48. Execept for one thing.
Edited on Sat Feb-21-04 01:16 PM by MATTMAN
Eventually the ham sandwich will be eaten.


On edit: spelling.
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HFishbine Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 01:05 PM
Response to Original message
49. Right on!
Edited on Sat Feb-21-04 01:07 PM by HFishbine
I'm writing in: Sandwich, Ham

(on edit: Not 100% on that yet, I'll have to wait and see who the running mate is. I'm hoping it will be Moon Pie, for geographic balance.)
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ulysses Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 01:22 PM
Response to Original message
53. oh yeah, right, and immediately lose the Orthodox Jewish vote...
:silly:
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Paulie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 05:11 PM
Response to Reply #53
55. We don't need that part of the base
Edited on Sat Feb-21-04 05:12 PM by Paulie
they live in a fantasy world where the establishment coldcuts DON'T make cold cuts in the base...
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West Coast Democrat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-21-04 01:29 PM
Response to Original message
54. Hey, I'd even vote for Howard Dean over GW Bush!
(just looking for reaction!) :-)
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